“It’s been three fucking weeks! When are you coming home?”
It was almost a nightly routine. Tim grabbed his hair in frustration and pressed the phone hard against his ear. He waited for Jon’s response, already knowing what it would be.
“I’ll think about it … more time …” Jon mumbled something else into the phone which Tim could not catch.
“Fuck you! How much more time, for chrissakes?” Tim’s swearing had steadily become worse in the last few weeks.
Nick cleared his throat meaningfully, which made Tim look up, lower his voice and say almost pleadingly, “Look, why don’t you come here for dinner tomorrow night? I’ll cook!”
It was not the first time Tim – or for that matter Nick – had invited Jon to meet but he had steadfastly declined. Since the day he had packed and left, he had refused to meet or set foot inside the apartment.
“Um … is that supposed to tempt me, Timmy?” Jon joked lightly.
That forced a reluctant grin from Tim. He was an atrocious cook and he acknowledged it. “OK, forget about coming here. We’ll meet up with you somewhere. Only drinks. How about Piper’s?”
“I … don’t know. Look Tim, I’ll call you. Let me work out a few things on my end first.”
There was an awkward silence. Tim struggled with the dread filling his stomach. He missed Jon more than he knew how to say. Nick had been wonderful in the last few weeks, holding him while he alternately cried or ranted and always being there for him. But no matter what he did, he could not fill the void Jon left behind. A big part of his past was made up with Jon and he would always be special in a different way.
“Jon?”
“What?”
“Are you … you’re not … seeing someone else, are you?”
Jon sighed. “It’s late, Tim. I gotta go. Say hi to Nick for me, will ya? Bye sweetheart.”
Click. The phone went dead and Tim let loose another string of expletives.
Nick looked up from his magazine and frowned slightly. “Leave off the language, Tim. I think that’s more than enough stress release.”
Tim‘s shoulders dropped in defeat. “He doesn’t care anymore.”
“Of course he still cares,” Nick contradicted mildly. ‘He just needs time, Timmy.”
“If he takes any more time, we would be looking at retirement homes!” Tim said crossly. “Why don’t you do something?”
“What more can we do at this stage? We’ve called, we’ve emailed and explained, we’ve tried to see him, you call him almost every night and IM him every day … look baby, I want him back too. But if he’s not ready …”
“I don’t know what else to do, and you are not even trying.” Tim said accusingly, knowing he was being totally unreasonable. The night Jon disappeared; Nick had been the one who had driven for hours searching for Jon while Tim waited at home. He had been the one to call all their friends because Tim was too distraught.
“We’re not fighting over this, Tim.” Nick’s voice was firm.
“Fine! All I gotta say is fuck him and fuck you too!”
Tim’s sudden explosion shocked even himself. He was usually the most mild-tempered of the trio and not one to fly off the handle so easily. And he certainly did not resort to such language as a rule, but he found a perverse pleasure in behaving in a totally unlike manner. It made him feel like another person, and somehow that hurt less.
Nick understood the outburst. He felt equally frustrated about how stubborn Jon was being and if anything, he felt worse than Tim about what had happened. At the back of his mind, he always remembered that it was Jon and Tim right from the beginning and that he had been the one who had been allowed in. The odd man out, the last third of their threesome. And now, perhaps because of him, they had lost Jon. That thought alone drove him mad.
But even as Nick agonized over it, he thought about what would make their situation even more unbearable; it would be for Tim and him to fall apart now. The last thing they could afford was to have three lost people. It was obvious Tim was barely hanging on a thread and Nick was desperately holding it together for them. He couldn’t let that last piece of ‘them’ disintegrate; otherwise there would be nothing for Jon to come back to. Still, that didn’t make him feel less responsible or guilty.
Resolutely, Nick put down his magazine and looked at Tim sternly. “Was that necessary? Do you want me to add ‘No Swearing’ to our rules?”
Tim shook his head and got up, but silently mouthed “fuck you” with his back turned.
“Tim, come here.”
Tim froze. No way could he have heard that! He turned back to Nick, and said innocently, “Yes honey?”
Nick beckoned with a finger. Tim hesitantly came over and allowed Nick to pull him down onto his lap. Nick held his face between his hands and kissed his forehead tenderly, whispering into his ear, “I know how hard it has been. We’ve got to hang in there, babe. Be patient a bit longer.”
“What if he never comes back?” Tim whispered back.
Nick cuddled Tim closer, his arms holding him tight. After a while, Tim shook the hands off, and Nick let him go, suddenly too tired to protest. They spent the rest of the evening in silence.
[2]
The club was noisy, smoky, and jam-packed with half-naked, sweaty bodies. Jon wandered aimlessly about, not sure what he was looking for. A few of the guys threw him interested glances but he ignored them all. One came up to him and touched him boldly on the chest. He shook his head, pushed the hand off, and slipped away. He went over to the bar, ordered a drink and looked around him.
Swinging hips moved to the loud raunchy music, mingled with crude laughter. There was lots of touching and liberal kissing. Nothing he saw interested him in the least. He shook his head tiredly, drained his glass and, deciding this wasn’t what he was looking for, headed home.
Jon slipped his key in and dejectedly pushed the door open. He used to savor this moment, the anticipation, and the warmth that waited within. But now, he hated coming home. How can it be home when Tim wasn’t on the other side waiting to fling his arms around his neck? He imagined Nick, tall and solid, with a drink in his hand and smiling a welcome. God, how he missed them.
With a despairing sigh, he entered the apartment.
The place was small but comfortable, ideal for a single guy actually. There were some packed boxes lying around. This was his cousin Danny’s apartment. Danny had been in the midst of giving up his apartment when Jon had called him. The timing seemed almost perfect. After dating seriously for a year, Danny was finally going to move in with his boyfriend.
“What great timing,” Danny had said enthusiastically. “You can take over my apartment if you want.”
“I just need a place to stay for a few days.” Jon was reluctant to explain further.
“Sure.” Danny shrugged good-naturedly. “You have up to the end of the month to decide, coz that’s when the lease is up. I’ll mostly be over at the boyfriend’s so I’ll be out of your hair and you will have the place mostly to yourself. I’ll come by and pick up my stuff on and off and you can tell me at the end of the month what you want to do, okay?”
And now, three and a half weeks later, Jon had no more inkling of what he wanted to do than when he had walked out on Tim and Nick. All he knew was that he had to make a decision soon because the apartment would be gone and he would either have to pick up the lease or move back …
His mind jolted to a stop every time he came to this point.
[3]
“Coming!” Jon yelled at the door. He jerked it open and smiled. “Hi Keith, you’re early, you got the pizza?”
A fair-haired young man trotted into the apartment, laden with bags of food. He was very good looking and had the most amazing blue eyes. He held up the bags and cheerfully said, “I’m starving! Hawaiian, like you ordered, and an extra serving of Buffalo wings. Where are we gonna eat?”
“Here, in front of the TV. This is our fav …” Jon trailed off suddenly and then swallowed the lump in his throat. “Here’s fine, just dump the box on the coffee table. I’ll get the beers.”
Keith shot him a look from under his lashes but said nothing. He caught the beer Jon tossed over and settled down on the carpet. The two young men hungrily tucked into the pizza, while they chatted about their work and various sports programs on TV. Safe topics. It was Friday night and both were more than ready to unwind.
Jon found Keith very easy to talk to. Danny had introduced them and there was an instant liking on both their parts. Keith was a natural when it came to putting people at ease, and that was important to Jon at a time when he felt so low and self-conscious about meeting new people. Keith also had a great deal of knowledge about any number of subjects and he was funny, witty, and charming. Jon had succumbed to his easy manners almost instantly and when Keith’s boyfriend had gone away for a two-week business trip, the two young men began to spend time together.
“Has Dusty called? When is he coming back?” Jon asked conversationally. He was secretly pleased Keith had been able to keep him company because he dreaded being on his own with his thoughts and aching heart.
“Sunday, if all goes well. I’ll know tomorrow when he calls. So,” Keith paused as he looked directly over at Jon, “what about you?”
Jon flicked his eyes at Keith and scowled. Keith knew that he was in a three-way relationship and that he was working out a few glitches with his partners, which explained why he was camping out at Danny’s. That was all. Keith waited while Jon thought of an answer.
Finally Jon said, “I don’t know.”
Keith arched an eyebrow. “How long you been away from your guys?”
“About a month.”
“Dusty and I split up for six months once – so I know what it feels like.”
Jon sat up with interest. “Really? What happened?”
“I was an ass. Did all sorts of stupid things. Thought I could escape by running away.”
Jon bit on his lip and muttered under his breath, “Sounds familiar.”
“Are you running from anything?” Keith asked, giving Jon a direct look.
When Jon didn’t answer, Keith continued. “Me, I was just running from myself. I couldn’t make myself admit what it was I wanted and I ended up almost destroying my life.”
A choking sob slipped out of Jon’s throat as he buried his face on his folded arms. He struggled to keep his emotions in check as he hugged his knees tight against his chest, too embarrassed to face Keith after such a show of weakness.
Keith silently got up and went into the kitchen. He came back with another couple of beers and nudged Jon with one. The cold contact made Jon jerk his head up in surprise, which also took away the awkwardness of the moment.
Keith gave a lop-sided grin. “Figured you needed one right about now. I drank myself silly during my split-up. Seemed a good way to go at that time. Still do sometimes, actually …” The last part was murmured with a cheeky grimace. “Cheers!”
The light banter and casual tone made Jon relax. There was absolutely nothing in Keith’s behavior that could make you feel weak or stupid and Jon found himself suddenly confiding to Keith. “Sometimes I think I might go mad from missing them.”
“Tell me about it! I know how hard it is.” Keith said easily. “Dusty was like my support beam. Was one of your partners like that for you?”
Jon looked up, thinking. “Well yeah, you could say that. One of them was our … support beam.”
“And the other?”
“He was … the one who bound us together.” Jon’s brows snapped together. He had never really given it much thought before. He suddenly realized how each of his partners played a specific role in his life, and how each one had a special place in his heart, distinctly different from the other. Why had he never thought of it like that before? That perhaps Nick and Tim also filled specific but distinctive needs for each other.
Forlornly, he wondered what his own role was and where he stood in their hearts.
Keith hesitated, taking time with his next words. “What a shame. Sounds like you had a good thing going.”
“Yeah …” Jon agreed glumly.
“There’s nothing to say you can’t work it out. Go talk to them.”
Jon scoffed. “It’s a bit late … I walked out on them without a word, the whole asshole act, you know?”
“No such thing as too late, Jon. I would know. I thought I’d blown it with Dusty too … you won’t believe the things I did to punish myself for being so stupid, and then to try to get him back.” Keith said with an acid laugh. “If you know Dusty, you’ll know that is a recipe for disaster - he does not take kindly to games.”
“Is he … does he …?” Jon stammered.
Keith quirked an eyebrow. “What?”
“Never mind,” Jon said as his face turned red. “How did you two get back together again?”
“Well, in the end I swallowed my pride and made the first move. I told him I wanted him to take me back.”
“I can’t do that!”
“Why not?”
Jon stared angrily at the carpet.
“What have you got to lose?” Keith urged.
“I don’t know how. Where to even begin…”
“How about starting by telling them how you really feel.” That was gently said; it acted like a balm on a sorely chafed and bruised spirit.
“I feel like such a fool … “
“Not that, idiot! Tell them what you said earlier, that you missed them like hell, that’s usually a good start.”
Jon blinked. “Shit! What a mess!”
“It’s worth a try, isn’t it? Better than eating pizza with me on a Friday night?”
Jon’s face relaxed and he looked at Keith gratefully. “True, it’s got to be better than this!”
“It’s not that hard once you make up your mind,” Keith said softly.
“Yeah, I know,” Jon said, humbly. One act of rashness had brought him to this place. Now he had to find a way back before it was too late.
“Not that I don’t enjoy eating pizza with you, you understand?” Keith grinned.
“Asshole!” Jon said teasingly as he started to get up. “I’m going to clear up and then we can catch that game on TV. Why don’t you finish up the pizza while I take these in to the kitchen? ”
“Sure,” Keith said as he picked up the last slice.
Jon’s cell phone began to ring and he called out, “Jon, phone.”
Jon called back from the kitchen sink, where he was washing up the dishes left over from the day before. “Can you pass me the phone please?”
Keith obligingly brought the phone over and seeing Jon’s hands submerged in soap water, he flipped the lid open and held it to Jon’s ear. “Here you go.”
“Thanks. Hello,” Jon said, then cursed as the phone began to slip off his shoulder. Keith made a grab for it, laughing as he pressed it back to Jon’s ear, but the line had gone dead by then.
[4]
“What the fuck!” Tim snapped his phone shut and glared at Nick.
“What happened?” Nick asked, concerned at the look on Tim’s face.
“There’s someone there with him. A man!” Tim’s voice was shaking.
“Who was it?”
“How the fuck should I know?” Tim snarled and let out a yelp as Nick swatted him on his backside.
“Watch that mouth of yours, Tim. I won’t warn you again. I am pretty tolerant when it comes to cussing but enough is enough.”
Tim grimaced. “Sorry.”
“All right, tell me what happened.” Nick demanded.
“Didn’t you hear what I just said? Jon has got another man there. He answered the phone, Jon’s cell phone! I heard him!”
“So he’s got a friend there, what’s the problem?” Even though Nick tried to sound calm, he felt unease stirring in his stomach.
“He’s seeing someone!” Tim mumbled, sounding tragic.
“You don’t know that, sweetheart,” Nick said reasonably.
“I heard him - them!” Tim remonstrated, his cheeks getting hot and flushed. “They were … were laughing together like they were … having such a good time!”
“Tim …” Nick kept his voice calm. “Stop it. You are working yourself up. Why don’t you call back …?”
“No way!” Tim’s voice rose in a half-hysterical laugh. “I’m not calling him again.”
“All right, I’ll do it then.”
“No!” Tim almost screamed as Nick pulled out his cell phone from his pocket.
Nick put it back immediately, startled by Tim’s alarm. “Calm down, baby! What is it, honey?”
Tim looked around blindly, as if he’d lost his way. “I never thought we would lose him. I thought he was just throwing a tantrum, taunting us. But it’s really happening. He has found someone else, hasn’t he? And we are never getting him back!”
Nick tried to take Tim into his arms but Tim pushed him roughly away, as if he couldn’t bear to be touched. He continued in a thin, hurt voice, “All this while we were worried sick over him, and he has been seeing someone else?” Tim’s initial shock was fast turning into irrational anger.
Nick shook his head at Tim. “I can’t believe that, and you don’t either so stop with the drama.” His voice deepened and he said firmly, “Go sit down, sweetheart; while I straighten this out with Jon… go on now …Tim …” He called out sharply.
Running to the table, Tim snatched up his car keys. “No! I said don’t call him!” Panic filled Tim’s voice. What if the call confirmed his deepest fears?
“Where are you going, Tim?” Nick tried to grab at Tim but he pushed Nick’s hands away.
“I gotta get out of here.” Tim ignored Nick’s protests and wrenched the door open.
“Timothy!”
Nick started after him but Tim, in his frenzy, shoved him back so hard that Nick lost his balance.
By the time Nick righted himself, Tim had disappeared, and all Nick could do was stare at the empty space and slowly close the door.
[5]
Jon sighed as he sat alone in the darkness. He hardly paid attention to the game and after he had let Keith out, he had dropped tiredly onto the sofa, staring into space.
At the back of his mind, he knew he should call Tim back; he had seen Tim’s caller ID earlier but hadn’t wanted to carry on a difficult conversation while Keith was still around. Jon was pretty sure Tim had heard Keith’s voice. And knowing him, Jon suspected Tim would probably be upset and burning with jealousy by now, but Jon just did not have the energy to explain or face his recriminations at that moment. He had too many issues to work out first.
Keith’s words haunted him.
I was just running from myself …
Like Keith, that was exactly what he had done. He had felt suffocated by the additional dimension that Nick and Tim had allowed into their relationship, and not knowing how to handle that, he had just ran.
He had felt neglected, true, but that didn’t give him the right to refuse to listen when Nick or Tim tried to explain their feelings to him. They had given him so many chances to understand. They had been so patient. And every time, he had deliberately used anger as a weapon to push them away. He let his jealousy consume him, allowing himself to feel ill-used and forsaken.
What kind of a partner was he? That question tormented Jon as he sat in the dark.
The hardest part was facing the discipline aspect of their relationship. He had cringed at the idea, and fought against the reality that Tim had actually given Nick the right to discipline him. He couldn’t go beyond that thought.
With a groan, Jon grudgingly admitted that it was all about how HE felt. Not Tim or Nick. Not their threesome as a whole. Only himself. He never stopped to consider Tim’s and Nick’s feelings. What right did he have to judge them when it was obviously something that they both wanted and needed? He would have seen how well it was working for Tim if he had allowed himself to see, but he hadn’t. He and Tim had always been in trouble of one kind or another. Unpaid bills, traffic summonses, forgotten appointments, missed schedules; their lives had been one crisis after another. They had even reached a point where they either had to give up their apartment or bring in a lodger. All that had changed when Nick came into their lives and Tim not only realized he needed straightening out, but had boldly asked for it. Hell, Tim was the stronger person, contrary to what he thought earlier. And he was the one who lacked the courage.
Facing the truth was hard.
One should pay for one’s mistakes and he wanted to make amends now. But did he have the strength to face them and admit that he had been wrong?
His phone suddenly buzzed, making him jump. “Jesus!” he cursed under his breath, startled. He dug around and found the phone. The caller ID showed Nick. Curious, and slightly apprehensive, he flicked the phone open, wondering why Nick would call so late at night. A flash of guilt stabbed him. Was Tim too upset to sleep? He should have called him earlier, explained, and set his mind at ease.
“Hi Nick.”
“Hey babe, I’ve … um listen, don’t panic but Tim was in a car accident and he is in the hospital now. I’m heading over and I thought … well, you might want to know.”
The cold ran down Jon’s spine. “Jesus! How is he?” Jon asked as his mouth dried up.
“Don’t know for sure yet, the hospital called. He’s in the emergency ward.
“OK, I’ll meet you there. Hey Nick …” Jon called out but Nick had already hung up.
[6]
Jon ran straight into Nick’s arms when he saw the solid figure in the corridor. Surprised but pleased, Nick hugged him close.
“How is he? Did the doctors say anything?” Jon grabbed at Nick urgently, almost tearing the buttons off his shirt.
Nick let out a long breath. God, it was so good to hold him again. He looked down and laid his forehead against Jon’s. “He’s stable. He’s getting a CT scan right now. He may have a fractured arm and a slight concussion, but he’s not in any immediate danger.”
“Oh thank God! What happened? Can we see him? Where is he?”
“Whoa … slow down. He’s in the ER now so we have to wait out here. Let’s go into that waiting room. It’s more private.”
Jon let Nick lead him to a small room at the end of the corridor. It was deserted at this time of the night and the two of them sat down on one of the sofas.
Nick looked Jon over carefully, lifting a hand to his face and brushing the hair out of his eyes. He had a sudden lump in his throat.
Jon repeated his question impatiently. “So what happened?”
Nick sighed. “Tim took the car out for a drive. He must have misjudged the curve, driving too fast, I don’t know. Luckily, there was no other vehicle involved, and there was a railing that broke the fall – otherwise … “
Jon was aghast. “What was he thinking? Why was he out so late? And alone?”
Nick paused. “He needed some time alone. He’d been feeling … oh hell! “Nick gave up the pretense. “He got upset.”
“A… about Keith? He heard Keith’s voice when he called, didn’t he? Is that why he took off?” Jon sniffed, wiping his arm across his nose.
Nick took out a clean hanky and gently wiped Jon’s nose for him. “Who is Keith, Jon?”
Jon handed the hanky back. “He’s just a friend, someone I met. Danny’s friend actually.”
Nick nodded thoughtfully.
At his silence, Jon said more earnestly. “There’s nothing going on. We were just … he just came over to catch the game because his boyfriend was away. Do you believe me?”
Nick leaned down and kissed Jon lightly on the lips. “Yeah, I believe you babe.”
“And Tim didn’t.” It was more a remark than question.
“Well, let’s just say our Timmy got a little flustered.” Nick tried to make light of it, seeing no point in stressing Jon out as well.
Jon’s body sagged against Nick. “He hates me now?” Jon whispered.
“Tim could never hate you. He’ll be so happy to see you. He misses you. We’ve both missed you.” Nick began to gather Jon back into his arms but Jon held him off. Now that the immediate danger was over, he felt awkward being this close to Nick.
Nick looked hurt but let him move away. “So tell me how you’ve been.”
Jon sat close to Nick, but not actually touching. He was glad of the proximity, yet at the same time a little apprehensive. “I’m ok. What about you guys?”
Nick flinched. How in God’s name had it got to a point where it’s ‘you guys’ without Jon in the equation? Nick tried to sound casual. “Us guys? Hmm … that sounds strange to me.”
Jon flushed uncomfortably. “You know what I mean.”
Nick’s eyes suddenly filled with pain. “Oh God Jonny, do you know how worried we’ve been about you? Tim has been frantic since you left. How could you have just gone off without letting us … without talking … “ Nick’s voice broke and he averted his face.
Jon looked down at his hands, unable to bear the look on Nick’s face. “I thought that was easiest.”
“Easiest for whom, Jon? Do you have any idea how hurt Tim was when you left without a word? You don’t do that to people you love!”
Jon bowed his head at the admonishment, as the tears stung his eyes.
Nick caught hold of Jon’s hands and held them tightly. “Honey, can you please tell me – honestly - why you left?”
Jon shook his head, miserably tongue-tied. Nick took a deep breath and answered his own question.
“All right, I’ll tell you what I think then. You left because of the relationship I started with Tim. You felt betrayed. You and Tim had a great thing going, and then I came along. Without meaning to, Tim and I somehow pushed you away, left you out? Is that it, baby?”
Jon’s face began to crumble.
“We never meant to hurt you, Jonny. I am so sorry. We are both so sorry.” Nick pulled him into his arms and two tear drops slid down his cheeks. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had cried. “Can you forgive us, babe?”
“No,” Jon choked. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. There’s nothing to forgive.”
“We were insensitive to your needs. I saw what Tim needed and I just reacted to it, never considering what impact it would have on you.”
The rawness of Nick’s pain melted whatever anger Jon might have left. The fact that Nick understood was excruciating and heartening at the same time. Yes, that had been exactly how he had felt but now that Nick had articulated his exact feelings, he fought to refute them. “No Nick, listen. I shouldn’t have left like that. I was an asshole for putting you guys through this, for not listening to you or trying to understand your needs. I am the one who was selfish and insensitive, I only thought of myself.”
“We didn’t understand how you felt.” Nick’s voice was still remorseful.
How about starting by telling them how you really feel?
Jon felt his heart missed a beat. He made a quick decision. It was time he stopped running and faced the truth.
“Nick, I was jealous. I was mad at Tim for not sharing this need with me but mostly I was jealous of you because he chose to tell you and not me. I was jealous that I can’t ever give Tim what you can and that you both have something to share that excluded me.”
“Oh babe, …”
Jon held out a hand.
“Please let me finish. I was the one who refused to understand. I know you guys tried so hard to make it right for me. I was confused and angry, and I didn’t know how to react. Whatever the reason, I had no right to take off. I am s…so …sorry!”
Nick squeezed Jon’s shoulder. “We’ve all made mistakes. Just come home. Please.”
Before Jon could answer, a white-robed doctor appeared in the doorway. “Um … Mr Nick Preston?”
“That’s me.” Nick got up quickly, extending his hand. “How is Tim doing?”
The doctor shook Nick’s hand. “Hello, I’m Dr. Marcus. Tim was given medication for pain and is sleeping, but he’ll be fine when he wakes up.”
Nick said a silent prayer. “And his injuries?” he asked.
“He has a hairline fracture of the radius in his left arm and a rather nasty knock on his head. It looks like a grade two concussion. We are keeping him overnight for observation, just in case, but I think nothing serious. You should be able to take him home tomorrow.”
Nick and Jon exchanged a grateful smile.
Dr Marcus continued. “He’s going to have to wear a splint for the next month or so. He’s going to need a follow up appointment with Orthopedics in a month. They’ll give you an appointment with that number when he checks out. It should go without saying that he needs to stay away from any strenuous physical activity until the follow up appointment.” He looked at the two expectant faces before him and smiled. “You can see him for a few minutes if you want.”
“Thanks Doc.” Nick sighed with relief, and then looked down at Jon. He nodded and said quietly, “This is our partner Jon; he’s coming with me too.”
Jon looked pathetic, red-eyed and sniffling. But he nodded back at Nick and waited for the doctor’s verdict.
The doctor hesitated a moment, then smiled tiredly. “Go ahead, just keep it quiet and brief, huh? The nurse will show you where.”
[7]
I ended up almost destroying my life
Jon looked down at the sleeping figure and was infinitely grateful that he had not destroyed Tim’s life and ultimately all three of theirs. He had been guilt-ridden when he had gone in to see Tim the previous night. Tim had looked so small under the covers, his face pale and troubled, even in sleep.
They hadn’t been allowed to stay long; they both whispered good-night, planted a soft kiss on Tim’s forehead and then Nick insisted Jon went home with him. They had spent the rest of the night on the living room sofa, Jon cuddled in Nick strong arms.
Tim stirred and Jon reached out to touch him. He looked much better in the light of day than he had the night before.
Tim opened his eyes and a slow smile crept into his face. “Hey there, Jonny. Were you here last night? Or did I dream you up?”
“I was here, darling.”
“I’m glad.” Tim turned to Nick and swallowed. “Thanks Nick.”
Nick took Tim’s hand, held it up and kissed it tenderly. “We’re just glad you’re ok. Don’t you ever give us a scare like this again. How’s the head? Any nausea?”
Tim shook his head and grimaced. “Ow!”
Nick grunted. “Small price!”
Tim pulled a face. “Are you here to take me home?”
“Yes. We brought some clean clothes for you.” Jon held up a small overnight bag.
Tim watched Jon’s face anxiously. “Really? Are you coming home with us?”
Jon smiled at his partner. “Yes, I’m coming home babe.”
“What about …” Tim began, then clamped his mouth shut.
“What?” Jon asked.
“Never mind,” Tim replied.
Nick ruffled Jon’s hair, and then pulled him close so he could plant a kiss on his temple. “He means Keith.” He whispered loudly.
“Oh Keith!” Jon flushed, and then he said penitently. “When you called … um … I’m sorry I didn’t call you back immediately. Keith is Danny’s friend. He came over to watch a game on TV. He’s just a friend … there is nothing going on. I just didn’t want to have Keith listen in on our conversation and by the time he left …”
“No need to explain,” Tim said, and Nick rolled his eyes.
Jon continued, contrite. “I should have called you back.”
Nick clapped Jon on the back then leaned down and kissed Tim. “Get dressed, darling, while I go settle the bill.”
Tim and Jon watched Nick depart, and then stared at one another, suddenly self-conscious.
Jon cleared his throat. “Need any help?” He reached for the overnighter and pulled out a pair of sweat pants.
“Jonny?” Tim’s voice stilled Jon’s hands. Jon kept his eyes fixed on the bag as Tim spoke. “I was the one who wanted it. I was the one who asked Nick to do this, have this relationship. It’s me, not Nick that you should be mad at.”
“I’m not mad …”
“It doesn’t make you less important to me.”
“It made me feel inadequate!” Jon blurted out.
“You offer me different things than Nick. Just like I could never give you some of the things Nick can.”
“I know.”
“You do?” Tim sounded surprised.
“Yeah, it took a long time but I finally worked it out.”
“About time too!” Tim’s tone was mock-severe as his eyes glimmered with unshed tears.
“Asshole!” Jon grinned as he pulled out one of Nick’s t-shirts. “And this is what you’ll be wearing home.”
Tim let Jon sort out the clothes, all the while watching his lover’s face. “So - still mad?”
Jon stopped and pretended to consider the question. “Well … maybe just a little.” His lips twitched as he held out a hand. Tim took it and leveraging on it, slowly sat up.
“Nick loves you very much; you know that, don’t you?” Tim said as he swung his legs over the side of the bed.
This time Jon didn’t need to consider. He replied immediately. “I know that too.”
[8]
It took some time for all three of them to be totally together again. The split had driven invisible wedges into different parts of their lives and not all the holes had been plugged. Bit by bit they mended.
There was a lot of touching and kissing, an urgent need to reconnect, both physically and spiritually. With Tim’s arm in a cast, they had to be extra careful but it didn’t stop them being creative and they spent many hours rediscovering one another’s bodies. Jon had been celibate, except for the occasional release he found from his own hand, and sex between Nick and Tim had taken a deep dive after Jon’s disappearance. They made up for lost time.
Sometimes, after satisfying sex, Jon just let the feeling sweep over him - a deep sense of completeness and contentment. But there were still unresolved issues.
One night, Jon lay snuggled in the crook of Nick’s arms after they had made love. Tim had gone to spend the weekend at his mother’s and the pair had taken the opportunity to spend some one on one time.
“Nick, I need to ask you something.”
“Sure sweetie.”
“How do you know what Tim needs?”
Nick’s eyes flew open in the dark. “Are you referring to …?”
“Yes. The discipline.”
Nick considered the question. “Well, no situation is ever the same. It would depend on what Tim had done, or not done, and his frame of mind. More often than not, he just needs time to think it through and someone to help him sort out his thoughts.”
“But you do more than that,” Jon pointed out.
“Yes,” Nick acknowledged. “Tim is one of the greatest guys I’ve ever known, but he has a way of getting side-tracked. So he needs to know there are consequences to face when that happens; and knowing that somehow helps him stay on track.” The last part was spoken very softly.
“What are some of those consequences?”
Nick pondered the questioning. Tim had discussed it with him earlier, and they both had agreed that should Jon ever broach this subject, they would be open. So Nick continued without any qualms.
“Well, he gets grounded if he stays out too late or comes home drunk. You already know that. He also spends time alone, maybe in a corner, when I feel he needs to calm down or reflect on his actions. I think Tim sometimes wants someone to just say stop. It’s as simple as that.” Nick paused, not sure if he should continue.
“That’s what you do when you take him into the room?”
“Yes.”
“What else?” This was asked almost timidly.
Nick took a breath, bracing himself. “If an offence was repeated or if I felt there was deliberate defiance, I might spank him. Usually I just use my hand on his butt, but I may resort to a hairbrush if I thought it was deserved.”
“And he can’t ask you to stop?”
“Not during the disciplining. After, if he felt he no longer wanted to continue with the DP, we can always talk about it; change the format of our relationship. It does not have to stay this way forever. But when punishment is due, he can’t decide not to go through with it.”
“I can see how it would take a lot of trust for this to work,” Jon said meditatively.
“Oh, absolutely or it won’t ever work.”
“He does trust you.” Jon said.
Nick’s eyes softened as he smiled. “He’s very acquiescent. And he knows once we’ve dealt with it, it’s over and done with – no more guilt or remorse. It works for Tim because he likes to dwell on the past and blames himself when things go wrong.”
Jon swallowed hard, before saying, “I don’t know if I can accept it like Tim.”
Nick looked lost for a moment, then exclaimed in dismay. “Good God, darling, no one is asking you to! We don’t have to …”
Jon cut Nick off. “But if I wanted to try it …?”
Nick was speechless for a moment.
Jon felt his face flush. “I’m asking what if I also want to have the same relationship with you.”
“Babe,” Nick began to say.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe it might work for me too?”
Nick scrambled up and leaning on his elbow, peered down at Jon’s earnest face. “Do it only if it’s something you really want or need. I don’t want you to feel forced into this deal. That’s not how it works.”
“Tim and me, we’re so alike in so many ways.” Jon said wryly. “We mess up all the time. You said so yourself, we always get side-tracked … I just wondered … maybe it might be what I need too?”
“Oh sweetheart,” Nick answered, pulling Jon close. “What Tim wants and needs … Honey, don’t do it because of Tim or me, or because you think this will be the only way to bring us back together again.”
“I’m not,” Jon protested, miffed. How many ways did he have to say it?
Nick frowned. “I would rather you think about it seriously, talk to Tim as well …”
“What do you think I’ve been doing all this while?” Jon demanded. “I HAVE thought about it. And why do you think Tim suddenly had to go spend a weekend with his mom? We already discussed it. He wanted me to talk to you about it.”
Nick shook his head in disbelief. “What? You guys already discussed it? You set me up?”
Jon giggled as Nick’s fingers dug into his side. Then Nick put his mouth over Jon’s and drew him into a deep and passionate kiss. When they finally broke apart, they were both panting and excited at the thought of what they were about to embark.
Nick turned solemn. “Are you a hundred percent sure you want to do this?”
Jon nodded his head.
“For the right reasons, Jon!” Nick said solemnly. “Remember babe, a disciplinary relationship is not a cure-all. It might work for some, it might not for others. It’s not going to fix all your problems.”
Again Jon nodded his head.
“But most of all, remember that I love you. I would never hurt you in any way.”
“And I absolutely trust you.” Jon said, and his eyes shone without the slightest fragment of doubt.
[9]
“So, is it done?” Tim asked as he dumped his bag on the floor.
Jon’s eyes danced as he smiled a little shyly. “Yes, I told him last night.”
“And?”
“He wanted me to be sure. I had to BEG!”
Tim pulled a face. “What did I tell you?”
There was a movement behind them and then Nick came and engulfed them both in his arms.
“Welcome home, Timmy.” He kissed him hard. “Tell me again, why did your mom ask you to stay the weekend?”
Tim gave a gurgle of laughter and glared at Jon. “You told?”
Nick tried to swat Tim but he skipped away, grinning broadly. He stayed out of Nick’s reach but stuck onto Jon. “He’s really a softie, Jonny. Most of the time, he’s just talk. You have to do something really bad before he spanks you.”
“Tim,” Nick said warningly.
Jon waited for the embarrassment to consume him. He should have been squirming by now. Instead he found himself joining in. “Like dashing out the door in the middle of the night, and smashing up the car?”
Tim pulled his jaw down, LOOKED at Jon and groaned. “Thanks, Jon!”
“That is a conversation which should have taken place much earlier, but it’s never too late to remedy that,” Nick said severely, but the twinkle in his eyes belied his severity.
“But I got hurt!” Tim protested.
“And whose fault is that?” Nick asked, unsympathetic.
“I was in pain and had to wear a cast. Isn’t that punishment enough?”
“Not nearly enough, young man!” Nick wagged a finger at him. “Count yourself lucky you got off so lightly.”
“It brought Jon back …” he said very quietly, peering up at both his partners innocently.
Nick opened his mouth, and then closed it again. “That you did. Come here, brat!”
Nick reached out, hooked his arm around Tim’s neck and pulled him close. “Don’t you EVER do anything to endanger yourself like that again! Do you hear me?” Nick scolded sternly, then tilted his chin up and kissed him.
“Yes, sir,” Tim answered, and then cheekily asked, “So does that mean I am off the hook?”
Nick looked over at Jon. “What do you think, Jon? Do we forgive him for the scare he gave us?”
Jon grinned. “Well, under the circumstances …”
Tim gave a whoop of delight, grabbed Jon and pulled him over into Nick’s arms as well. Nick pressed his lips onto Jon’s head, and hugged both his partners tightly.
For a long while, they stood together, no one saying a word, a part of three finally becoming whole again. Sometimes words just weren’t necessary.
T H E E N D